part time lover and a full time friend

my myspace blog is going to be synchronized with my wordpress? or no.  i do not know.  the juno soundtrack is really cute. my trust in you is disappearing.  i think you’re confused and i don’t want to be strung along just because you dont know what you want.  i’d rather have you string me along and act like you want me than not even acting like you dont care.  which you probably dont.

so heres what my random “i love” blog says.  the product of free time and semi-optimist thoughts during hard times:

you are my teacher and my friend. i love… your existence. your laugh and sense of humor, sarcasm and absurdities. i love how you feel like home. i love your expressions but not how you express yourself. i love the things i hate about you. i love to try to challenge you even though i feel like i failed in the end. i love knowing there is more to you than everything you can reveal. i love how i can never replace you because your traits are so specific. i love to feel your eyes on me when i look away. i love to give my heart away despite the times its tossed aside. i love to mean something to you. i love when you can guess how i feel. i love the days i look past imperfections. i love being called for. i love human chemistry. i love how some of these statements (definitely not all) apply to more than one of you. i love the way my opinion of you is growing. i love the space between us. i want to see where this is going. i dont want to waste my time. i dont like to explain myself. i want to fight for you but not with you. i want to be there for you when everythings good and when things are difficult. i always will, as long as you show me that you would do the same. i wont let you change me if your role in my life is this small and “this” just is. im designed to always feel slightly dissatisfied and afraid. i still feel hope, no matter what happens. i love remembering the things that i love about you, and i hope thats enough for you to figure out how i feel about you. i want you to know these things when im too mad to show it and when were not together. i hate when you say what you dont mean. maybe you actually do mean it, but i’d like to think that you don’t because i care for you so much. i hate when you do things that you know would upset me. i hate when theres something unresolved between us and youre lingering in my head reminding me over and over how horrible of a person i am.  i want you to have more of me than ive given, and you better like whatever it is about me that still isnt out there. i hate that i put myself in your hands because this gives you power over how i feel. times where ive been an emotional wreck wont ever fade. itll never be okay that ive been hurt and i will forgive but i do not forget. no one else has ever put me in such a position where i just wanted to dissolve into molecules and not exist, but i give you credit for calling me out on what no one else had to courage to. i expect you to recover quickly when i criticize you on being a pain. i dont want to think about what we have because all i need to know is that im enjoying myself. i love the idea that you, not someone else, complete me.  you complete me today.  you complete me tomorrow, and till whenever. i cherish every moment of that. i want everything current to be enough. i dont know what else i want.  i wish i had more to say. i wish this was more eloquence and less randomness.